habits change

5 Jul

london 11.14pm. sunday 2015.

i see nowadays i dont have friends to hang out with. in the past, i have a group of us who would meet often and talk about nothing. and we enjoy doing that, haha. but now i see my life is quiet. i have lost all those friends who i hang out with. they have all moved away, or got boyfriends, or just got older and less inclined to hang around and chat aimlessly. i think talking nonsense and hanging around with other people seem to be something u do when u are young.

certainly i am older now and i dont like talking aimlessly and hanging around with a bunch of others. that might explain why i didnt cultivate another bunch of friends to hang out with to replace those old ones who left. i just dont seem to want to do those things anymore. its a paradoxical situation i find myself now. i want to make friends but all the past basis for friendship have gone. the past basis was that friends act as a support group , but now i am quite independent, dont reallly need a bunch of people to massage my ego, or me to massage theirs… so what to do?

i suppose one way to seek new friends is to find a hobby and get or join others who like the same thing. so i have to start finding out what i like to do. and try not to like things that are done alone. like reading…

there are lotsof things i discover that i like doing but alone… 

there is a social group of gay guys who meet every wednesday in a coffee shop and the idea is that people chat to each other and try to make friends. i find i dont seem to enjoy that enough to go more often. i only go when my friend from slough asks me to join him. he seems to like going. he also likes to call me on the phone to chat…

i used to do that with another friend who lives in brighton, but i have stopped doing that now. funny how things i like to do, i find i dont like to do anymore. what is the reason for that i wonder?

i have heard of people having pen friends and they write regularly and keep at it for years. i dont think i would be that interested. i mean what do u talk about? esp to somone you have not seen or met.

when i was younger, i like chatting with others because i would like to know why the world is as it is. we would try to figure out why people do things that we hear of in the news, or talk of events that happen and what motivates those people involved in it. like for eg, now if it were in the past group gatherings we would most probably talk of the greek voting no … and speculate on what will happen. or talk of the things that george osbourne the chancellor will bring in his budget… cutting things and charging that… but it will be rather non productive talk as we cannot know how it will impact on others, nevermind ourselves, if it does at all. or talk of all the seemingly aimless killings that ISIS is doing… but all this talk has no aim, for there is nothing we can do about it, or even figure out why they do it. it can be rather frustrating to speculate on it, and futile exercise and makes us rather anxious actually , makes us thing the world is going to the dogs and quickly. come to think of it, when i was younger, during my student days we seldom talk of such things, we consider them  politics and in malaysia we seldom talk of politics… we talk more of religion actually , specifically the catholic religion, because i was a catholic then;  and philosophy, about ethics , about good and bad things that are done ….

now i dont have any interest in talking of those things anymore. now i just dont seem to want to talk of anything to others, instead i find i prefer to just write my thoughts in a blog, at least i dont have to listen to others views… selfish or what? haha. and i prefer to read of others thoughts in their blog, i dont have to respond nor agree or disagree… as it serves no purpose to comment on it… each person’s writings are personal to them, and do not need our approval or disapproval. that is how i see it anyway, and so i read others’ thoughts on the subject and either agree or disagree or even learn something new, but essentially there is no need to respond to it. that might explain why i do read a lot of blogs and enjoy them and follow them  but seldom make comments.

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