thoughts of going old

27 Oct

london 5.50pm 15.2C  dry thursday 2016 sunset is 5.41pm

i think there is something saddening about a sunset, whilst a sunrise seem to be more uplifting. maybe it is just me, but that is how it affects me now. or maybe it is something that we feel more strongly as we go old.

i think when i was young i dont feel anything at all about sunsets or sunrise. dont think i associate it with anything really when i am young. just noticing a sunset if it is spectacularly beautiful and enjoying it. now even if i am enjoying it, the thought is always there that it is not going to last, and that the days of such sunsets are coming closer to an end, because the sunset reminds me of my days ending too. the sense that my days are numbered is there. 

i wonder if that is something that is quite common amongst those of us who are growing old… we are more aware of our health getting less healthy with signs of bad health cropping up. i dont have any health problems, at least not yet, even so i still feel this. 

vaguely we are aware the body is not so healthy as before where we are so healthy we dont even think about it.

i do admire old people who remain optimistic even in advance old age. the grumbling old person is not a stereotype. it really is what we all become sooner or later. ah well, it is only in a blog that i can say it. one tries not to say it in our normal conversation with others, but inwardly we think it… grumble grumble, haha. the only thing i try to do is to laugh at myself when i catch myself thinking like that. it is so easy to fall into that habit of grumbling about everything. especially about other people’s behaviour. so i try to stop myself and just fall back on my constant refrain, their souls wants it. that way i can brush it off and forget it. otherwise u can get involved in long standing disputes with another old person who is just as stubborn as u. thankfully i dont have that. but now and then u can see it crop up in the news of long standing dispute between neighbours. two old people fighting over something trivial.

perhaps travelling can make someone less introspective about their life. whilst you are on the move, u get caught up in the logistics of it, and so less time to contemplate your inner life. and the new sights and sounds of new places and things to see and eat and people u meet can be a nice distraction. i am too aware of it as a means of taking myself out of myself, to be soothed by it. i know it for what a distraction it is. so i shall not bother to travel to escape myself and stay here and work it out by other means.

reading i find can be a nice distraction. esp if u pick up a novel that carries u to another world.  

and there is the soothing effect of habits, doing things that are established routine so that there is an order and narrative about it that u can live with, without having to trouble yourself to reinvent everytime. and then to inject into it now and then, something that is out of the ordinary just to give you some variety. its quite  a nice way to live actually. 



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